


Knots

by messageredacted



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-14
Updated: 2012-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-29 12:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/319970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messageredacted/pseuds/messageredacted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaylee doesn’t know what she’s looking for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knots

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written 12 May 2008.

“Kaylee. Come in.”

Inara’s smile is warm and her eyes crease like origami when she extends her hand in welcome. Kaylee steps into the shuttle, hands folded behind her back in embarrassment.

“Are you busy? ’Cause I can come back…”

Inara laughs and moves back to the bed, folding herself up comfortably on the blanket. “Oh, no. I could use the distraction. I was looking through prospective clients. Some of them can be so self-absorbed.”

Kaylee moves a couple steps into the room but stops, noticing the oil stains on her coveralls and the grime on her shoes. “They’d have to be, to think they could tempt someone like you.” She raises her head and grins at Inara, who has the grace to blush. The soft lighting, jeweled shadows and rich wall hangings all conspire to enhance Inara’s exoticism. It’s a kind of beauty that makes Kaylee ache with longing.

“Thank you,” Inara says, lowering her eyes briefly. “What brings you to my shuttle?”

“Oh, I was just…” Kaylee shrugs, awkward now. “I’ve been in the engine room for hours now and I just felt like taking a break.”

Inara arches one elegant eyebrow. “Simon wasn’t available?”

“I think he’s looking after River. I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Inara pats the bedspread. “Sit down. Would you like me to brush your hair?”

Kaylee brightens. “Would you really?”

“Of course.” Inara leans over, picking a hairbrush off the bedside table. Kaylee crosses the room and stops by the edge of the bed, hesitating. This is where Inara entertains her clients, and while Kaylee has no problem with Inara’s profession and is no stranger to sex, this seems strangely intimate in a way that it normally wouldn’t with someone else. Inara is too artful, too elegant for this to be chatty girl time—not that Kaylee has ever really hung out and gossiped with other girls, given that Zoe is older and vaguely more intimidating and River doesn’t seem to be the chatty type.

“I won’t bite,” Inara says with a laugh, noticing her discomfort. The ‘not unless you ask me to’ is entirely implied. Kaylee sits with her back to Inara, and closes her eyes at the first touch of the brush in her hair.

“My mother used to brush my hair for me,” Kaylee volunteers after a moment.

“Mine too,” Inara admits. Kaylee can hear the smile in her voice. “It’s such a comforting feeling.”

“I wonder why,” Kaylee murmured.

“You might be surprised, but brushing hair is something we learn at the Academy,” Inara says. “People don’t pay attention to their scalps so much and they build up tension and worry in the muscle. Massaging out the knots in your hair and in your scalp is intimate and comforting and it helps you untangle the knots in your heart.”

Inara gently dismantles a knot in her hair, her long fingers massaging the knot until it opens for her. She runs the brush through it again, this time without resistance. The tug on her scalp makes gooseflesh rise on Kaylee’s neck. Inara rises up to her knees behind Kaylee, bringing a line of heat against Kaylee’s back as she begins to gather her hair together in her hands.

“Do you want me to put it up?” Inara asks.

Kaylee half opens her eyes dreamily. “No, that’s okay.”

“You have such lovely hair.” A pause, and then Inara continues teasily, “I'm sure the Doctor would agree.

Kaylee opens her eyes all the way and feels herself smile in a tight, heated grin. “Who, Simon? No, he's much too, I mean I'm just—do you think it looks better up?

Inara laughs again. “We can experiment.” She reaches down and touches Kaylee’s chin. Kaylee turns her head up to meet Inara’s impish grin. “We might even get wild later and wash your face.”

Kaylee looks down and away again, unable to stop smiling. “Do you ever do this for your clients?”

“Very occasionally. Not all of them have enough hair to get a brush through.”

Kaylee turns back to her again. “Have you ever had to service a really hideous client? With boils and the like?”

Inara’s response is immediate and firm. “A Companion chooses her own clients; that's Guild law.” She pauses, her voice turning thoughtful. “But physical appearance doesn't matter so terribly. You look for a compatibility of spirit. There's an energy about a person that's difficult to hide, you try to feel that—”

Mal’s voice cuts Inara off. “And then you try to feel the energy of their credit account. It has a sort of aura.” He steps into the shuttle.

All of the quiet intimacy disappears from Inara’s voice. “What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?”

“That it was…manly and impulsive?”

“Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was ‘don't’.”

Mal extends a hand to Kaylee. “Well, you're holding my mechanic in thrall. And Kaylee, what the hell’s goin’ on in the engine room?”

Kaylee straightens abruptly, remembering herself. Mal drops his hand.

“Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?”

“I had to rewire the grav thrust because somebody won’t replace that crappy compression coil,” Kaylee says in irritation.

“Well get the place squared away. It's dangerous in there, and I ain’t paying you to get your hair played at.”

Kaylee struggles out of the warmth of Inara’s bed, feeling angry and strangely ashamed, muttering curses. She storms past him.

“We work before we play,” Mal calls after her as she steps back into the cold light of the cargo bay.

##

Simon has the face of a lily, Kaylee thinks sometimes, studying him when he’s not paying attention. His skin is smooth and pale and clean-shaven. His hair is dark and glossy and even when it's not perfectly coiffed, it has a sort of casual elegance. His clothes are the rich Core-world clothes, soft fabrics like butter and honey. His hands are delicate and elegant, surgeon’s hands that have never twisted a knife to cut the throat of a sheep or wielded a hammer to wrangle a compression coil back into place.

She feels a warm heat in her stomach when she looks at him, something that she’s never really felt for a man before. Sure, back home she had a few flings with a few men, usually the kind of slick-skinned mechanics that wandered through on their travels from one planet to the next. They were usually competent and sometimes they even humored her when she grilled them on engine maintenance, and when they held her she thought _these hands have fixed ships out in the black in places so far off I can’t even see them in the sky_ and in a way that was hotter than anything the men themselves could do to her.

Her father approved as well in his own way; at least, he would look the other way when she would shirk her duties as soon as a new model of a sleek ship touched down in the market looking for passengers.

Of course by now she had seen the corners of the ’verse that she’d never thought she’d be able to see, so the appeal of a mechanic’s rough and ready hands didn’t hold the way it used to. Simon was so far removed from, well, men in general that he was a new creature to her. Mal and Jayne were tough men that her daddy would approve of, men that sometimes went a few days without shaving and who held a gun on their hip as casually as Kaylee held a wrench. Wash was softer and goofier but he wasn’t from the Core either, someone who knew what it was like to go hungry sometimes and who wouldn’t know what do to with a formal place setting if he had a map and a guide.

Simon is different. Simon is, well… Despite Simon’s delicate breeding and respectable career, Kaylee feels that her father wouldn’t approve of Simon. She’s not sure why she has that feeling except that her father had strong ideas of what a man should be and what a woman should be, and Simon doesn’t really fit. Maybe that’s why she likes him.

##

Inara is perched on her desk chair, skimming through the news on the Cortex, when Kaylee knocks on her door.

“Kaylee,” Inara says with a welcoming smile. Then her smile fades a little into a look of concern. “Is something wrong?”

“I just…” Kaylee feels her voice tremble. She comes forward and sits on the couch, clasping her hands in her lap. “I just wanted to know if you could do my hair up pretty like you offered to last time.”

“Of course,” Inara says, standing up. “What’s the occasion?”

Kaylee shakes her head, sniffing a little. “I thought that if I looked more like a Core world girl, Simon would notice me.”

“Oh, sweetie.” Inara hesitates, then heads to a cupboard on the far wall. She rummages around and emerges with a cloth and a bottle of liquid. “Here. We can wash your face too.”

Kaylee sits still while Inara rubs the cloth over her face. The cloth smells faintly of lilacs and Inara’s hand is gentle as she tips up Kaylee’s chin to swipe the delicate skin of her neck.

“I bet you’ve never had feelings for a guy who didn’t like you back,” Kaylee says after a minute.

Inara laughs softly. “It’s not just appearance, Kaylee.” She picks up a soft towel and dries Kaylee’s face. “I spent my whole life in the Academy, training to be a Companion. I was surrounded by beautiful people. When everyone is beautiful, you don’t judge on appearance.”

“Are you saying it doesn’t matter if you make me pretty?”

“I’m _saying_ that your personality would have outshone any one of those students in the Academy. You’re a ray of sunshine, sweetie, and you don’t have to look far to find someone who needs that.”

Inara picks up a mirror from the table and holds it up to Kaylee. Kaylee studies herself--her skin pink from the cleaning, her upturned nose, her freckles. She glances at Inara, who is watching her intently.

“You think Simon does?”

Inara puts down the mirror. “There aren’t too many people here in the black who _don’t_ need someone like you. You just have to make them see it.”

##

When Inara leads the Counselor to her shuttle, Kaylee can’t tear her eyes away from them. She knew that Inara entertained female clients, but she’d never realized… Her father had warned her about women who loved other women. They were trying to be men, he’d said. They were fixing to overturn the places of the sexes. They were too ugly to attract men so they cut their hair short and wore pants and got down to sin with each other.

Kaylee didn’t wear pants until she started working on Serenity. It was uncomfortable at first, seeming like a sin she was committing, but a dress could get caught in the spinning engine. She got used to pants right quick, though, when she realizes that the rest of the crew didn’t care what she wore so long as she kept the ship running smooth, and now she won’t do without.

But the Counselor and Inara—they look so glamorous! Can they really be going into the shuttle to make love? What will they do together? Long after the two of them disappear from sight, Kaylee stares after them. What would it be like to make love to Inara?

##

It’s two months since they buried Wash and Book, and the ship is fresh as a daisy. They’re on their way to Beaumonde now for a quick trip to see Wash’s parents, let them know what happened and maybe look for another job.

Kaylee and Simon go at it like bunnies for a while. Simon is gentle with her, mindful of her needs. It’s thrilling, someone so perfect and proper actually desiring her, but at the same time it’s frustrating. There isn’t passion there, passion like Kaylee imagines there should be. There is awkward fumbling, giggling together, exploring each other. It’s nice but Kaylee can’t help but think that there’s been a bait and switch here. She was chasing after Simon thinking that he would have something new to offer her, but it turns out that when you take off his clothes, he’s the same as any man—fun, but somehow…not what she was looking for.

The other problem that Kaylee is beginning to realize is that Simon may have needed a ray of sunshine in the past, but now, not so much. For the first time, Simon and River are not being followed by the Alliance. Simon can become a doctor again if he wants to. He probably won’t, because the rest of the crew are starting to see him as part of their family, but his options are open. He has the whole ’verse open to him. He doesn’t need his simple ray of sunshine.

Inara’s gone again and there aren’t any other girls on the ship besides River and Zoe. Zoe is different now that Wash is dead, colder and more direct. She had been known to laugh and joke before but now where there was a dry humor there is only coldness. Zoe was born in the black, or so she says, and she wears the cold of the black on her like a second skin.

River, by contrast, is getting better, but she’ll never be completely sane. Kaylee doesn’t know if she can be friends with River since she saw River kill a hundred Reavers by herself, but they’re on better terms now. Unfortunately, not well enough to confide in her love woes.

She yearns for something and she doesn’t know what it is. Inara could have made her feel better, but that’s not possible anymore. She misses Inara more and more every day. If she could trade her relationship with Simon for a visit with Inara, she would in an instant.

She catches herself thinking once, very briefly, that Inara would be able to scratch this itch of hers and she wouldn’t need to go around feeling like she’s missing something.

##

It’s four months after the painful visit with Wash’s parents when the Reavers come into proximity. Kaylee’s in the bridge when it happens, and everything goes silent as they stare out the window at the ship.

“Zoe,” Mal says warningly, and Kaylee sends Zoe a sharp look. Zoe’s hands are tight on the controls. Kaylee suddenly remembers Wash, helping remove the harpoon from his body so they could prepare him to be buried. It was a Reaver harpoon and Zoe is looking like she wants nothing more than to return the favor to the ship crossing their bow.

“What’s done is done,” Mal says softly. “Anything more and we’re looking to get ourselves killed. Or worse.”

“Yes, sir,” Zoe says, her teeth clenched. Kaylee can hear the void behind it, the absolute vacuum of space. Zoe would throw her own life away in an instant, Kaylee knows with sudden certainty.

The ship passes without stopping and everyone but Zoe sags in relief. Mal clasps her shoulder.

“Maybe you should take a break for now,” he says gently.

“I don’t need one, sir,” Zoe says, staring straight ahead.

“It wasn’t a suggestion, dohn-ma?”

She unclenches from the controls and stands. Her eyes skim over Kaylee like she isn’t there.

Kaylee, on the other hand, feels as if she’s been hit in the stomach with a plank. She’s been wandering this ship for forever now, eating meals with her, working side by side with her—heck, she took the brunt of an explosion for Kaylee once—and yet she’s never truly seen Zoe before. Suddenly her eyes are open.

She follows Zoe from the bridge. Zoe heads straight for the dining area and then just stands there as if she’s lost.

“Here, I’ll make you some tea,” Kaylee says, going to the compartments in the tiny kitchen. She picks out a tea bag. “Sit down.”

Zoe sits, which surprises both of them. Kaylee gets the kettle running and then busies herself getting the teacup ready. When the kettle whistles, she brings the cup of tea over to Zoe and puts it down in front of her. Zoe stares at it. Kaylee hesitates, then quickly runs into the hall and opens the hatch to her bedroom.

She returns with a hairbrush. Zoe is rubbing her temples and hasn’t touched the tea. Kaylee carefully touches Zoe’s shoulders.

“Inara said we build up our worries in our heads,” she says, her fingers moving to the tie in Zoe’s hair. She pulls it free and the long dark curls come loose. They are much like Inara’s dark curls, honey between Kaylee’s fingers. “She says if you work out the knots here,” and she strokes Zoe’s curls, “you can work out the knots inside you.”

Kaylee sets the brush into Zoe’s hair and begins to work it through. After a minute Zoe reaches up and hooks her fingers around the leather necklace she wears around her neck, her memento from Wash. When Kaylee reaches forward again to pull a wayward curl from Zoe’s face, she can feel that Zoe’s cheek is wet with tears. She says nothing and continues to brush.


End file.
